Long Overdue

My last blog was a Christmas Wish list rant! I wish I consistently remembered/made time to blog. I think I have kind of a unique-ish voice and I like the idea that I can share my thoughts about stuff with others who may (or may not) care.

Anyway, one of the biggest things that has happened since I last blogged was I ended the childcare arrangement that I had had. Nothing absolutely horrible happened but my "mom equivalent" spidey senses were tingling. My girls just weren't acting like themselves and they didn't want to go in the mornings. My children have been doing so much better since I made that call so I know it was the right one for them. Abbi has been acting more like my Abbi and there has been less bad attitude and arguing in our home plus she's been doing so much better in school. Zippy is  just little and fun and I enjoy every extra second I get to be with her.

It's been tough for me though. My mother has been being really great and has been helping to fill our gap in care. I pay for her gas to travel back and forth but its still somewhat of a burden on her. I've been trying to find a good fit for a care provider but my luck has been pretty low. I know I need someone who understands me. What that means is :

1. Has an excellent grasp of the English language (or at least my awkward way of using it)
2. Most likely has children of their own 
3. Parents/Attends to children "Like they mean it!"

I guess I should also define what I mean by "like they mean it!". I have found that I am not a "chill " mom. Nope, I'm not particularly laid back. My children are incredibly important to me and I want the very very best for them. So I'm not ok with just filling time. I want them to have wonderfully enriching experiences. I want them to stare at stars and wonder, to view things through a microscope and think, I want them to master new skills and feel wonderfully empowered and quietly confident. And I don't want them to gawk at screens and just let their brains melt before they've even started to fully solidify. While we have a tv in our house and we do watch a show or two we break it up with play that encourages some form of learning or personal development.

I want my girls to be together as much as possible. Zi loves Abbi so much. It is truly heart warming to watch them get along (and so frustrating when they fight). My desire to have them together also complicates finding care. Abbi needs someone willing to take her to and from school and Zi is a toddler who naps during the day. Many care providers will do either school aged kids or only under 3 so its a rarity to find a person or company willing to do both. I know Zippy will do much better transitioning into a new spaces if her sister is there. I also know that it would be a pain to have to make multiple trips to drop them off and pick them up each day.

Lastly, cost is an issue. While no one is at risk of going hungry at our house we are certainly less than loaded. Many childcare options would completely consume my wage therefor defeating the point of my working. Most options are at least half of what I make which is demoralizing. We're trying to attack our debt and save enough money for some needed renos on our house (Our house is freezing cold because the basement is uninsulated and our windows are from the 80's). While I know I am making a valuable contribution to our finances, I also know I'm out of my home more than I'd like to be and making less hourly then my husband. Ben is awesome, don't get me wrong, he deserves the good job he has found but chewing in my mind is the fact that I actually have more education than he does. I'd like to think I could at least make the same hourly wage that he does but it would seem that I can't.

So we're stuck calling around, checking online, making appointment to see, looking into plan B, C, D but really I just want to find someone who loves my kids the way I do and I know that's unrealistic. I hope I can find someone wonderful and begrudgingly settle to give the hours of my children's lives over to them and then also pay them money. Seems pretty unfair to me but that's because they are mine and I enjoy spending time with them.

If anyone knows anyone who offers childcare who is awesome I would love to hear about it :)
I'll try to make the interval between this post and the next less than a month!

Sweet Mercy

So the title of this blog has many meanings, depending on how I say it :P

It has been a very overwhelming time in my life. From the end of June until 2.5 weeks ago Ben was unemployed and I was the primary bread winner for our family. It was a stressful time for everyone in our home. I'm thrilled that Ben has recently been able to find new gainful employment but things aren't 100% back to normal. I will keep working to get us back on our feet and on track to the financial security we were heading for before.

I'm currently working 3 jobs not including my photography business. I have chosen things that I deeply enjoy doing so my jobs aren't as draining as they could be but I work outside of my home 35 to 45 hours a week. Why the variability you ask? One of the biggest jobs I have is as a tutor. I mostly tutor high school level Math and Science and my appointments fill pretty much all night... every night. My students are awesome, many of them enrich my life but its always an adventure heading out each night. And I meet my students in their homes so I drive A LOT!

For my other jobs I work part-time as a technician at the lab I spent most of my Master's degree in and I work teaching science workshops to elementary aged children with Mad Science of Southern Alberta. Both are right up my alley :D

But balancing my work schedule and my family has been hectic at best. My girlies are in a day home, which was hard to secure a position. I would prefer to have a nanny but the price tag for that is still a little out of our reach.

We are also in the middle of a major bathroom reno as our main bath had lots of water damage and accompanying mold issues. So amid the work and family, I've been ripping out tile and flooring. I've got a new sub floor half screwed down and hope to get to trying my hand a tiling this weekend.

I'm still waiting to hear back from med school. I hope this year is my year. I did better on the MCAT, I think I got some solid reference letters from people I really feel can speak to different and important parts of my character, I've been through an interview so I know what to expect and I have some things I know I can improve on there, so here is to hoping that the referees assessments are going to go in my favor.

This Jane-of-All-Trades wants to settle on medicine but for now I'm an entrepreneur/photographer/tutor/children's entertainer/scientist/laborer/tiler/interior designer extraordinaire... I need a cape. 

Brain hurts...blag

So I'm in the middle of applying to medical school for the second time and I really don't feel as experienced in it as I wish I did (I mean considering I've gone through the process before.)

Every year the application changes and they want information presented differently, or even new information all together. It's a very time consuming process as I try to put my best foot forward- because while the application is a angry hoop jumping fiasco relatively simple process it means so much to me.

Since I was a little girl I dreamed about being a doctor. For quite a while I wanted to be a burn/plastic surgeon (not so sure about that now). So as I'm filling in the application I get these floods of emotions. When I consider the possibility that I could get in this year elation come pouring in, then I consider another rejection and I feel sick to my stomach. I desperately hope every comment I write is interpreted in the spirit it was written by the admissions committee. Uncharacteristic of my general personality, substantial amounts of contempt arise in me when I come across people who seem to be of the opinion that its easy to get into medical school. And anyone with a cavalier attitude towards their own application frankly infuriates me. I have fought really hard for my application to have the high points that it does and the less the shiny points of my application reflect some of my most devastating personal struggles. I hope those who seem to have less emotion invested in their medical school applications are just being guarded towards revealing the strength of their desire because the idea that someone who "just thinks it would be fun" getting in over someone who is fiercely passionate is enough to make my head spin.

To my fiercely passionate comrades out there- good luck! But don't take my spot :P

For those who are interested, I recently got my MCAT scores back and I scored 4 points better this round! I'm cautiously thrilled. It's still no 40+ but hopefully it will be enough to make the difference this year. I still feel like I could do better on the MCAT but studying for a test whose material was presented to me around 7 years ago and caring for my kids is a significant obstacle- I hope admissions committee members get that.

Anyway, that's my rant for now- I gotta get back at it! Comment! All the cool people are doing it :P Lame, I know but I do like comments.

Feeling ok just being myself.

I think that everyone at one point or another has felt insecure about themselves. I think some people go through an unfortunate amount of their lives trying to act like someone else to please others or to just simply hide their true selves. I know that in high school I struggled and often attempted to hide my true self to avoid criticism; or to make perceived criticism not impact me as deeply.  It hasn't been until recently that I have felt that I know myself well enough and feel confident enough in myself to act in a manner that is more coherent with my current concept of my true self.

I have been learning so much about myself and life in general recently that I thought I'd share my insight. I know that not only one philosophy works for everyone and I'm sure that someone out there will disagree with me but just refer to the title, I'm ok just being me. For simplicity sake I have tried to organize my thoughts into some bullet points.

Saying what you really mean and really meaning what you say.
For me being able to practice this is one of the most important forms of integrity but as it is with many good things its harder to put into practice than it is to talk about. I know many of us through our upbringing feel compelled to say good things or what we think others want to hear. While I don't advocate brutal honesty I do think many people need to check their line between being nice and lying. If you have no intentions of following through on what you are saying maybe you shouldn't say it-even if it is a nice thing to say. For me I have had to find ways to be nice and understanding of others while not saying I'll do things I don't have time for. Furthermore, I have had to find the confidence to either decline from giving my opinion or respectfully disagreeing when I'm in a conversation with someone and I can't honestly agree with what they are saying. My motivations in this are to be more true to who I am and not just an agreeable lump of a human who then secretly thinks her own things but doesn't share them.

Respectfully disagreeing
So I think that respectfully disagreeing is such an art that it deserves its very own heading.The key, of course, is the respectful part. It's rather easy to be generally disagreeable and to shoot down everything others say but that's more being a troll than being confident in who you are. While its true I do still generally avoid a situation in which I am prone to disagree with others I'm in the process of learning how to disagree gracefully. I legitimately want to be the kind of person that just emanates respect for others.We are all fighting our own battles and I do hope to not make life more difficult for others along the way. I find pointing out the merits of another persons opinions to relay a certain level of respect and I also find not overly promoting my views, to be a good idea. No one is obliged to see the world as I do and conversely I don't have to take on the views of anyone else and we can still peacefully coexist together.

Finding greater love for myself and finding motivation to find greater love for others
I feel that discussing love flows out of discussing respect because deep and abiding love is often manifested through respect. As I come to to truly feel worthy of respect and love I realize the need to love and respect others because I'm not the unique snowflake- I am just like everybody else. And being like everybody else doesn't diminish me. I think that feeling greater sameness with those around me helps me to have more of a Golden Rule prospective. If people aren't like me , treating them how I would like to be treated wouldn't produce favorable results. I think philosophies that we are unique and special can cause and artificial sense  of separation from others. As I come to love myself not for my relative differences from others but just simply because I am who I am right now and that is enough - I think I'm finding a deeper level of self acceptance and one that breeds a need for me to be more accepting of others.

Other important pearls of wisdom I currently believe -

•  We're are all changing, I know I'm not the exact same person I was yesterday growing together and apart is a natural process but the level of respect can be constant.

• Self deprecation is NOT humility - I get so tired of hearing people put themselves down thinking that somehow that means their humble. Being humble can mean acknowledging faults but more than that I think it's realizing that you are not innately superior to another person in any way. Even if a person is involved in what you would deem to be morally questionable behavior it is quite an assumption that you would fair differently if in their shoes.
• The only "fair" criticism (if there is such a thing) of others is their motives and intentions and those are often very very difficult to accurately determine.

These are my thought for the day. I really desire to be a loving and accepting person. I know I fall short more often than not and I don't mean to be a hypocrite by posting this. In a way I want people to know more of my true self- someone who struggles but generally intends to go about doing good and lifting others.

Shoot I forgot I had Another Blog!

... Just kidding :P

I've been fighting that bloggers guilt for quite some time. Life has gotten away from me.

I wrote in MCAT Aug.17th... it was epic. My impressions? "Man alive! I hope I did better than I did last time!" We'll see in about a months time.

So I'm in full swing applying for medical school, again. After writing the MCAT in Edmonchuck I starting to prepare myself for the idea of applying in Edmonton- cause if I were to get in you betcha we're movin'! I still feel lost in Edmonton but that's what you get for visiting once every 5 years or so.





I'm also doing photography like a mad woman- but it's awesome. Finished a wedding- it was an amazing experience. We had a good day found a wonderful location for pictures and the couple are just warm people. I'm a sucker for weddings even when they're stresswad central but this was such a great experience for me. Here's a taste.. for more check out my photography blog Glowing Photography

Oh and I have a super awesome photography sale of greatness! You should message me for the details... because its a secret sale :D I'm almost all booked though so don't delay!!!

This month I also finished tutoring my fab Math students. I'm happy to report that they passed! One actually did pretty darn well. I'm kinda sad to see them go, they brought routine to my life and a reason to clean my house every Thursday morning. I'm now looking for new clients in the tutoring department. I have a kijij ad called I tutor it! 'Cause in reality if its a class you can take before post-secondary chances are I can tutor it and have likely tutored it before :) I love seeing people achieve. It's literally heart warming, education really changes peoples lives. Especially my upgrading alumni who are in a way looking to prove to themselves that they can do it, they really have inspired me to have a better attitude about learning and what a privilege- no blessing- it is that I have the education I do. PS. thanks to everyone who has ever contributed to a scholarship fund.

So yeah that's what I've been doing during this radio silence... I have soo many things I could blog about... lately I've been really into art and design so I feel a project coming on...or maybe I should just finish some old ones. Oh and I've been watch/reading more third wave feminism stuff and its so worth talking about but those will need to wait for another time.

Leave comments! 'Cause they make me feel less like I'm talking to myself... maybe I should make a vlog... then I would really be talking to myself... might wake the baby though...hmmm

Crazy or something like it

I just Satmpeded (sp???) for over 12 hours with my 2 girls in 28 degree C weather... and I'm not even that frazzled! I think I deserve a cookie...wait how many calories does stampeding burn???

Tips for Stampede:

• It was $20 for parking, so I recommend taking transit.for parking though the Impark lot with that old yellow house on it was the cheapest and was monitored.
• The entrance line ups were long so I recommend the 2 for $25 deal from Macs 1) because its cheaper and 2) because it saves time at the gate by getting you into the shorter "pass" line.
• Food is outrageously priced so pack a lunch and bring a water bottle (it's worth it to carry it). If you really want to buy food Weadick (sp?) Ville is your best bang for your buck. We spent $3 on a slurpee/ice cream mixture. That's all the money we spent on the grounds.
• Super dogs tends to take a long time to see- we skipped the waiting in line, I personally feel that that show has declined over the years.
• Tail was alright a little slow in the beginning and a little cheesey but no wait and generally entertaining.
• The free facepainters at the kids BMO area were worth the line up today, they did a great job.
• The Saddledome is a great place to cool off or even snooze in a comfy chair if you sit floor level for events during the day 
• Pack medium- not too light that you forget needful items not so heavy that you have to carry a lot. We  brought a stroller, a small cooler, our diaper bag with diaper and a change of baby clothes, a baby carrier (no hoodies required!), blanket, sunscreen, hats and umbrellas (other than umbrellas everything was used).

So if you consider our ticket price, parking and my ice cream it cost our family about $4/hour to be there or $1/person/hour... not horrible. Anyway, if you are headed down to the grounds in the next week enjoy yourself and be safe.  Hopefully some of my tips help!

Cheers and goodnight pictures to come later! I need sleep :D

The worst shopping trip ever!

In a break day from working and studying (although I read a chapter tonight) I went out this morning to buy groceries, sounds simple enough right? NOPE!! Any mom knows that shopping ...and well life, is more complicated with children. Usually I do alright, the odd loss of patience, once I decided that it would just be better to go home then brave another planned store, nothing like today.

I was in Walmart for almost 4 hours today :(

Zipporah started off the day at 6am which was not my cup of tea, but I decided, "Hey, if I'm up lets be productive!" By the time we checked out our local whole foods market and got some goodies at the dollar store (Is it sad that my retail therapy involved $2 foam sandals?) it was maybe 10am as we were rolling into Walmart. And while I generally find Walmart sorta evil and generally avoid shopping there I find them a more kid friendly option because: the food is cheaper AND they bag my groceries AND they don't make me feel bad if I didn't bring my own reusable bags.

Anyway so we start off ok until we hit the second isle and Zipporah decides that she's too sleepy to carry on and she screamed at the top of her lungs!!! I've dealt with a screaming child before so I tried to play it cool. I was trying all angles, maybe I could calm her down, maybe we could abandon our cart and leave, maybe she'd just fall asleep. Anytime I thought I should just give up and leave she'd settle long enough for me to think it was doable and go back to my cart. I must have been a sight to watch! I was hushing a 13 month old, herding the 5 year old and constantly gathering my things to leave getting half way out of the store and then heading back. Anyway she fell asleep but only in my arms, despite my efforts to make her a little nest in the cart.

So I recalled seeing  on Pinterest that you can fold a hoodie to make a baby carrier (check out the video!) . So in true, "Jane of All Trades" style I MacGyver-ed a makeshift baby carrier out of my hoodie to continue the grocery trip. The only problem was is that the hoddie carrier would only hold tight if I didn't bend at all which meant that I kinda had to just drop all my groceries into the cart. So here I am clanging canned fruits and veggies into the cart with a baby tied onto me with a hoodie, but don't worry... it gets "better"

So just before we hit the refrigerated foods I felt all warm and wet down the front of me...that's right! I got peed on!!! Somehow in our hoodie entangled stroke of genius, her diaper had gotten all bunchy and performed seriously sub optimally.


My only luck for the day would be that there was a sample kiosk handing out free diapers and wipes (because in an effort not to ALWAYS have my hands to full I left the diaper bag in the car.) I somehow manged to get this hoddie contraption off me and changed her diaper. My shirt wasn't as wet as I had thought it would be and the samples wipes where scented so I used them on her and then on my shirt. Put my hoodie back on like a sane person and continued to shop with a cranky 13 month old who hadn't had a long enough nap and a 5 year old who picked up every other product in the store and tried to put it in our cart. Amazingly the only unplanned purchase Abbi contributed to was a box of blueberry egos about the same size as she is. (I said unplanned not unnoticed)

So here is the good part of the blog! Since Mommy almost had  a nervous breakdown in Walmart we came home and played on the slip and slide for the rest of the afternoon!

Welcome

So this is me starting a personal blog and it's my first blog about.... well.... myself. I've blogged about other stuff before and hopefully you are familiar with my photography blog HERE. But alas I've felt the need to rant about myself (sounds rather egocentric, I know) I thought I would indulge myself in ranting to seemingly no one while generally accepting that people, whether they know me well or not, will read this (at least I think they will).

Anyway, so I’ve dubbed myself a bit of a “Jane of All Trades” for a while now and although I don’t actually think I can do everything, I do admit to having more than a few activities in my schedule.

My plan is to write about myself and what I do in hopes of  1) understanding myself better 2) finding and connecting with like-minded people 3) encouraging others to feel good about themselves and all the “trades” that they are up to

Here is a list of what I’m currently up to:

• First and foremost I am a Wife and Mother. I have enjoyed the last 11 months staying at home with my girlies but one way or another that will soon be coming to a close for a season.
• I consider myself a “life long learner” I finished my Master’s degree in Neuroscience… oh you know 11 months ago :P and while I’m not currently formally studying anything I have on more than one occasion found myself still reading journals (*shudders* it’s like I like it)
• I am also at the end stretch of my first med school application cycle (I hope there isn’t a second but the verdict is still out… the waiting IS KILLING me!!!!)
• I have a photography business and while I love maternity and newborn photography I - no shock here- do a little of everything :P I had a shoot a week ago and I’m planning another in a couple weeks
• I strongly support other people (especially women) to be as educated as they can be so I currently have 2 students that I’m tutoring in math 20… they are preparing to KICK butt on the final!
• So many of these bullets deserve a future blog post of their own but this one especially, I’m currently enrolled in driver’s ed… yeehaw!! If all goes well I should be a REAL licensed driver by the end of April. No one should have their class 7 for 8 years :(
• I volunteer as I am invited to at church, helping to organize all the women to visit each other and form sisterly bonds and a new assignment assisting in the Nursery which means teaching/entertaining/playing with around ten 18 month to 3 years olds for 2 hours every Sunday :)
• I’ve also developed a rather messy craft habit in which I shred old clothes and bed linens and crochet rugs and hats out of them… that and beading earring and necklaces… and making hair accessories...ok I love crafting.
• Oh and I own and on semi- regular occasion choose to cloth diaper my infants. 

So here are my answers for people when I give them this information…yes I do sleep. I make most of my family’s meals from scratch. I employ no Sherpa, Nanny or maid (although that would be awesome! I’ve always wanted a Sherpa). My husband and I do like each other and we frequently talk. I love my children and we make time for singing songs and craft projects on a pretty regular basis. I’m not crazy, or a serious perfectionist. I don’t often feel run off my feet or overwhelmed and my elusions of being super human ended several years ago. I’m just me…doing all the stuff I do.

We should talk about all the stuff that I usually do but have cut back on or enjoyed in the past… next time!

So if you are out there reading this, leave me a comment so I don't feel like I'm talking to myself and subscribe to hear more of my stories of being a "Jane of All Trades"