Feeling ok just being myself.

I think that everyone at one point or another has felt insecure about themselves. I think some people go through an unfortunate amount of their lives trying to act like someone else to please others or to just simply hide their true selves. I know that in high school I struggled and often attempted to hide my true self to avoid criticism; or to make perceived criticism not impact me as deeply.  It hasn't been until recently that I have felt that I know myself well enough and feel confident enough in myself to act in a manner that is more coherent with my current concept of my true self.

I have been learning so much about myself and life in general recently that I thought I'd share my insight. I know that not only one philosophy works for everyone and I'm sure that someone out there will disagree with me but just refer to the title, I'm ok just being me. For simplicity sake I have tried to organize my thoughts into some bullet points.

Saying what you really mean and really meaning what you say.
For me being able to practice this is one of the most important forms of integrity but as it is with many good things its harder to put into practice than it is to talk about. I know many of us through our upbringing feel compelled to say good things or what we think others want to hear. While I don't advocate brutal honesty I do think many people need to check their line between being nice and lying. If you have no intentions of following through on what you are saying maybe you shouldn't say it-even if it is a nice thing to say. For me I have had to find ways to be nice and understanding of others while not saying I'll do things I don't have time for. Furthermore, I have had to find the confidence to either decline from giving my opinion or respectfully disagreeing when I'm in a conversation with someone and I can't honestly agree with what they are saying. My motivations in this are to be more true to who I am and not just an agreeable lump of a human who then secretly thinks her own things but doesn't share them.

Respectfully disagreeing
So I think that respectfully disagreeing is such an art that it deserves its very own heading.The key, of course, is the respectful part. It's rather easy to be generally disagreeable and to shoot down everything others say but that's more being a troll than being confident in who you are. While its true I do still generally avoid a situation in which I am prone to disagree with others I'm in the process of learning how to disagree gracefully. I legitimately want to be the kind of person that just emanates respect for others.We are all fighting our own battles and I do hope to not make life more difficult for others along the way. I find pointing out the merits of another persons opinions to relay a certain level of respect and I also find not overly promoting my views, to be a good idea. No one is obliged to see the world as I do and conversely I don't have to take on the views of anyone else and we can still peacefully coexist together.

Finding greater love for myself and finding motivation to find greater love for others
I feel that discussing love flows out of discussing respect because deep and abiding love is often manifested through respect. As I come to to truly feel worthy of respect and love I realize the need to love and respect others because I'm not the unique snowflake- I am just like everybody else. And being like everybody else doesn't diminish me. I think that feeling greater sameness with those around me helps me to have more of a Golden Rule prospective. If people aren't like me , treating them how I would like to be treated wouldn't produce favorable results. I think philosophies that we are unique and special can cause and artificial sense  of separation from others. As I come to love myself not for my relative differences from others but just simply because I am who I am right now and that is enough - I think I'm finding a deeper level of self acceptance and one that breeds a need for me to be more accepting of others.

Other important pearls of wisdom I currently believe -

•  We're are all changing, I know I'm not the exact same person I was yesterday growing together and apart is a natural process but the level of respect can be constant.

• Self deprecation is NOT humility - I get so tired of hearing people put themselves down thinking that somehow that means their humble. Being humble can mean acknowledging faults but more than that I think it's realizing that you are not innately superior to another person in any way. Even if a person is involved in what you would deem to be morally questionable behavior it is quite an assumption that you would fair differently if in their shoes.
• The only "fair" criticism (if there is such a thing) of others is their motives and intentions and those are often very very difficult to accurately determine.

These are my thought for the day. I really desire to be a loving and accepting person. I know I fall short more often than not and I don't mean to be a hypocrite by posting this. In a way I want people to know more of my true self- someone who struggles but generally intends to go about doing good and lifting others.

Rant about Studying

Studying is driving me nuts! Everything feels so familiar until I try and answer questions then then I struggle, really rather badly. On top of the frustration with learning the topics themselves comes the battle to even study in the first place. I'm a pretty pro procrastinator so having the motivation to study isn't easy to come by, combine that with my husband, 2 girls and a fun loving dog and I'm surprised I've even half cracked a book. Frequently I end up studying very late at night and then I can't even keep my eyes open. I know its not optimally effective.

So I've mapped out what I'm considering a 40 day challenge which outlines the sections that I will need to study and the reading that I feel I need to do to be ready before the night of my exam- in about 40 days to be exact :P I planned things out and set some goals. The main goals I've set is to achieve a minimum of 10s across the board (which is a moderately competitive MCAT score) I would love to think that I can get 15s in the Verbal Reasoning and Biological Sciences but 10s seems like a more attainable. I mean I shoot for those perfect 15s but if I get 11 I still want to walk away considering that a HUGE success. I'm so hopeful that some kind of magic will happen and I'll get an exam suited to all my strengths but I know that's unlikely to happen. I will as my blog title suggests need to become a Jane of all things sciencey or at least MCATy.

I was SOO freaking close to getting in this past year (in fact, parts of me clings to the fantasy that everyone on the waiting list will decline and I'll get some amazing last minute phone call...its not going to happen, but I can't seem to get the thought out of my head) that I really waiver between being super motivated for this year and being just frankly pissed off! Getting my application scores back pretty well summed things up for me. My application scored pretty well on everything (like high enough to get in) except the MCAT and while I did ok at interview I didn't make up for the MCAT difference and I didn't shine like I had hoped that I would have. I acknowledge that I could improve in all areas and I do endeavor to... but yeah, "MCAT you are my nemesis!!!"

Welcome

So this is me starting a personal blog and it's my first blog about.... well.... myself. I've blogged about other stuff before and hopefully you are familiar with my photography blog HERE. But alas I've felt the need to rant about myself (sounds rather egocentric, I know) I thought I would indulge myself in ranting to seemingly no one while generally accepting that people, whether they know me well or not, will read this (at least I think they will).

Anyway, so I’ve dubbed myself a bit of a “Jane of All Trades” for a while now and although I don’t actually think I can do everything, I do admit to having more than a few activities in my schedule.

My plan is to write about myself and what I do in hopes of  1) understanding myself better 2) finding and connecting with like-minded people 3) encouraging others to feel good about themselves and all the “trades” that they are up to

Here is a list of what I’m currently up to:

• First and foremost I am a Wife and Mother. I have enjoyed the last 11 months staying at home with my girlies but one way or another that will soon be coming to a close for a season.
• I consider myself a “life long learner” I finished my Master’s degree in Neuroscience… oh you know 11 months ago :P and while I’m not currently formally studying anything I have on more than one occasion found myself still reading journals (*shudders* it’s like I like it)
• I am also at the end stretch of my first med school application cycle (I hope there isn’t a second but the verdict is still out… the waiting IS KILLING me!!!!)
• I have a photography business and while I love maternity and newborn photography I - no shock here- do a little of everything :P I had a shoot a week ago and I’m planning another in a couple weeks
• I strongly support other people (especially women) to be as educated as they can be so I currently have 2 students that I’m tutoring in math 20… they are preparing to KICK butt on the final!
• So many of these bullets deserve a future blog post of their own but this one especially, I’m currently enrolled in driver’s ed… yeehaw!! If all goes well I should be a REAL licensed driver by the end of April. No one should have their class 7 for 8 years :(
• I volunteer as I am invited to at church, helping to organize all the women to visit each other and form sisterly bonds and a new assignment assisting in the Nursery which means teaching/entertaining/playing with around ten 18 month to 3 years olds for 2 hours every Sunday :)
• I’ve also developed a rather messy craft habit in which I shred old clothes and bed linens and crochet rugs and hats out of them… that and beading earring and necklaces… and making hair accessories...ok I love crafting.
• Oh and I own and on semi- regular occasion choose to cloth diaper my infants. 

So here are my answers for people when I give them this information…yes I do sleep. I make most of my family’s meals from scratch. I employ no Sherpa, Nanny or maid (although that would be awesome! I’ve always wanted a Sherpa). My husband and I do like each other and we frequently talk. I love my children and we make time for singing songs and craft projects on a pretty regular basis. I’m not crazy, or a serious perfectionist. I don’t often feel run off my feet or overwhelmed and my elusions of being super human ended several years ago. I’m just me…doing all the stuff I do.

We should talk about all the stuff that I usually do but have cut back on or enjoyed in the past… next time!

So if you are out there reading this, leave me a comment so I don't feel like I'm talking to myself and subscribe to hear more of my stories of being a "Jane of All Trades"