Brain hurts...blag

So I'm in the middle of applying to medical school for the second time and I really don't feel as experienced in it as I wish I did (I mean considering I've gone through the process before.)

Every year the application changes and they want information presented differently, or even new information all together. It's a very time consuming process as I try to put my best foot forward- because while the application is a angry hoop jumping fiasco relatively simple process it means so much to me.

Since I was a little girl I dreamed about being a doctor. For quite a while I wanted to be a burn/plastic surgeon (not so sure about that now). So as I'm filling in the application I get these floods of emotions. When I consider the possibility that I could get in this year elation come pouring in, then I consider another rejection and I feel sick to my stomach. I desperately hope every comment I write is interpreted in the spirit it was written by the admissions committee. Uncharacteristic of my general personality, substantial amounts of contempt arise in me when I come across people who seem to be of the opinion that its easy to get into medical school. And anyone with a cavalier attitude towards their own application frankly infuriates me. I have fought really hard for my application to have the high points that it does and the less the shiny points of my application reflect some of my most devastating personal struggles. I hope those who seem to have less emotion invested in their medical school applications are just being guarded towards revealing the strength of their desire because the idea that someone who "just thinks it would be fun" getting in over someone who is fiercely passionate is enough to make my head spin.

To my fiercely passionate comrades out there- good luck! But don't take my spot :P

For those who are interested, I recently got my MCAT scores back and I scored 4 points better this round! I'm cautiously thrilled. It's still no 40+ but hopefully it will be enough to make the difference this year. I still feel like I could do better on the MCAT but studying for a test whose material was presented to me around 7 years ago and caring for my kids is a significant obstacle- I hope admissions committee members get that.

Anyway, that's my rant for now- I gotta get back at it! Comment! All the cool people are doing it :P Lame, I know but I do like comments.

Feeling ok just being myself.

I think that everyone at one point or another has felt insecure about themselves. I think some people go through an unfortunate amount of their lives trying to act like someone else to please others or to just simply hide their true selves. I know that in high school I struggled and often attempted to hide my true self to avoid criticism; or to make perceived criticism not impact me as deeply.  It hasn't been until recently that I have felt that I know myself well enough and feel confident enough in myself to act in a manner that is more coherent with my current concept of my true self.

I have been learning so much about myself and life in general recently that I thought I'd share my insight. I know that not only one philosophy works for everyone and I'm sure that someone out there will disagree with me but just refer to the title, I'm ok just being me. For simplicity sake I have tried to organize my thoughts into some bullet points.

Saying what you really mean and really meaning what you say.
For me being able to practice this is one of the most important forms of integrity but as it is with many good things its harder to put into practice than it is to talk about. I know many of us through our upbringing feel compelled to say good things or what we think others want to hear. While I don't advocate brutal honesty I do think many people need to check their line between being nice and lying. If you have no intentions of following through on what you are saying maybe you shouldn't say it-even if it is a nice thing to say. For me I have had to find ways to be nice and understanding of others while not saying I'll do things I don't have time for. Furthermore, I have had to find the confidence to either decline from giving my opinion or respectfully disagreeing when I'm in a conversation with someone and I can't honestly agree with what they are saying. My motivations in this are to be more true to who I am and not just an agreeable lump of a human who then secretly thinks her own things but doesn't share them.

Respectfully disagreeing
So I think that respectfully disagreeing is such an art that it deserves its very own heading.The key, of course, is the respectful part. It's rather easy to be generally disagreeable and to shoot down everything others say but that's more being a troll than being confident in who you are. While its true I do still generally avoid a situation in which I am prone to disagree with others I'm in the process of learning how to disagree gracefully. I legitimately want to be the kind of person that just emanates respect for others.We are all fighting our own battles and I do hope to not make life more difficult for others along the way. I find pointing out the merits of another persons opinions to relay a certain level of respect and I also find not overly promoting my views, to be a good idea. No one is obliged to see the world as I do and conversely I don't have to take on the views of anyone else and we can still peacefully coexist together.

Finding greater love for myself and finding motivation to find greater love for others
I feel that discussing love flows out of discussing respect because deep and abiding love is often manifested through respect. As I come to to truly feel worthy of respect and love I realize the need to love and respect others because I'm not the unique snowflake- I am just like everybody else. And being like everybody else doesn't diminish me. I think that feeling greater sameness with those around me helps me to have more of a Golden Rule prospective. If people aren't like me , treating them how I would like to be treated wouldn't produce favorable results. I think philosophies that we are unique and special can cause and artificial sense  of separation from others. As I come to love myself not for my relative differences from others but just simply because I am who I am right now and that is enough - I think I'm finding a deeper level of self acceptance and one that breeds a need for me to be more accepting of others.

Other important pearls of wisdom I currently believe -

•  We're are all changing, I know I'm not the exact same person I was yesterday growing together and apart is a natural process but the level of respect can be constant.

• Self deprecation is NOT humility - I get so tired of hearing people put themselves down thinking that somehow that means their humble. Being humble can mean acknowledging faults but more than that I think it's realizing that you are not innately superior to another person in any way. Even if a person is involved in what you would deem to be morally questionable behavior it is quite an assumption that you would fair differently if in their shoes.
• The only "fair" criticism (if there is such a thing) of others is their motives and intentions and those are often very very difficult to accurately determine.

These are my thought for the day. I really desire to be a loving and accepting person. I know I fall short more often than not and I don't mean to be a hypocrite by posting this. In a way I want people to know more of my true self- someone who struggles but generally intends to go about doing good and lifting others.