So I've been thinking for a while about blogging about my journey through weight loss. I know its something a lot of people go through especially as babies come and life gets busy. The pounds seem to just sneak in there for me. So as I've noticed the problem I have tried to correct it, here are some of my thoughts and experiences with weight loss.
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| At high school grad |
Numbers really bother me- I'm not 100% sure why. I always felt like I never fit into the "right" numbers. It definitely does have something to do with my fitness as a youth. I was very active but still never weighed less than 140 pounds in high school (which for my height at the time was outside a normal
BMI). For most of my teen years and early adulthood I refused to weigh myself concluding that looking and feeling good were more important than a number on a scale... soo much so that I refused to own one for a long time.
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| A few months pregnant |
After I got married I found that eating with a boy all the time was a hard thing to do. I didn't want to prepare different meals for the two of us yet I just couldn't eat the meat and potatoes type deit that my husband requested all the time. As I result I was already on my way up when we found out we were expecting our first little girl.
After my first pregnancy despite many efforts I never got back down to
my true pre-pregnancy weight. I tried not to focus on it too much though and
largely assumed that this was just what happens when you have kids. I had heard several women speak that way- I dismissed it as to be expected. So having lost very little weight despite the 4 years between my girls I started pregnancy #2 at almost my max. weight from being pregnant with Abbi. I was however grateful to have concerned midwives who instead of stroking my ego and saying it was all alright expressed concern and came up with an eating plan during pregnancy that would minimize excessive weight gain. It was really hard to explain to people that it was actually healthy for me and baby to be losing weight while pregnant. I got a lot of ," but your not THAT big" or "are you sure you are doing what's best for baby?" etc. While I appreciate that people's comments were motivated by love and concern I caved to them more than I should and still gained nearly 30 pounds while pregnant. My peak weight was 225 pounds... an absolutely horrifying number for me. Pictures of me are kinda hard to find from that time.
While I still refuse to buy into the scale as a source of really any emotional stimulus, I do now own one as it's hard to be sure that you are losing weight without tracking weight. I also now go through phases of weighing myself compulsively- I think it's just wishful thinking that, "hey maybe I lost a ton of weight that last workout!" I think for me it's just a struggle for the insides of me (my self perception) to match the outsides of me (reality, I guess). See I think I personally suffer from a sort of positive body dismorphia- I actually think I look better than I actually do. My personal image of myself is of someone who is very fit and active with notable muscle tone. I catch glimpses of myself looking kinda flabby and I'm shocked! I'm used to having big thighs because my quads were huge as a skater (figure skated for 12+ years), not because they're chubby! Anyway, realizing my need to fight the flab I've taken to eating better and exercising more.
Despite my general resolve, I have yoyo ed quite a lot over the past year. My current goal weight is 150 which will take me to a normal BMI and back to my real pregnancy self. We'll see how I feel as I get closer to that number, I may feel it possible to push it further or stop a bit shy, we'll see. My healthy range is anywhere from 115 to 152, nearly a 40 pound range gives me lots of wiggle room inside the classification of healthy. I know I'll have to work for or even fight for each and every pound I lose. I have found lots of motivational things form , "nothing tastes as good as being healthy feels" to needing to buy new clothes when I drop significant weight to the empowering feeling of being in control of this aspect of my life. It all helps but the process is long and really tough.
I'd love to know your struggle and what works for you... I'll blog about this more in the future too I'm sure so if there is something specific you want me to rant about let me know!
